I’ve never felt more alone than while playing Solitaire Legends of the Pirates 2

Here’s the thing, gang…I came to flower in the 1980s, pre-Internet. That doesn’t make me better, just older. And since I didn’t spend my summers in front of a computer (well, 1984 I spent in front of my TV programming BASIC on a ZX81) my friends and I had different ways of entertaining ourselves. One way was cards and the card game we played most was “Spit.” This is kind of a reverse Tri-Peaks (Golf) card game and the most important factor in the game was speed. Speed and stamina.

So when I approach a golf-card game like “Solitaire Legends of the Pirates 2,” I sort of expect I’ll be able to utilize my speedy Spit skills and skid through those early levels for a nice mid-morning distraction. I enjoy solitaire (and card games in general) and I enjoy pirates (the entertaining, cosplay pirates) and when 8Floor Games puts those two things together (in a sequel, no less) is makes for a combination of mud and meh.

See that cursor, I’m still trying to get it across the screen and it’s been four days.

Mud because, in full screen and windowed mode, the mouse movement felt sluggish as if somehow slowed down which is in direct contrast to my style of play. I’m used to racking up a combo lightning quick and when it feels like my cursor is dragging a truck tire as I play, I’m bound to get annoyed. Meh because there are unnecessary “+$499” updates as you make combos, most frequently in the middle of making the combo. There is no reason the entire screen needs to be halted with this information. These are not real dollars. There are no real consequences. Put the bonus numbers in the top corner where I can ignore them like a person.

“Solitaire Legends of the Pirates 2” is a substandard game in an underwhelming genre, one that has a few shining stars and not much else. These kinds of games are usually relegated to casino-style game sites and the casual phone app, but there’s no reason to add this title to you list of either.