Totally-not Aladdin match-3 is totally-not good.

My god.

I have nothing against an inoffensive match-3 game. I was playing Bejeweled back in the day. Cubis was my jam, and Qbeez, my only friends. So I get the appeal.

But Legends of India*, newly released at Big Fish Games, is what happens when you take a simple gaming mechanic, wrap it up in some ethnic stereotypes, and desperately try to skirt the copyright lawyers of Disney Studios.

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Let me introduce you to Totally-not Jasmine.

I’ve got no words for the gameplay, because I was so offended by the stereotype (I’ve a humanities degree, I am legally obligated to be offended) that I powered my way through eleven or twelve levels of mundane matching.

Correction: there was one mini-game where I had to find ten bananas.

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We’re moving past ethnic stereotypes and straight into species-ist territory here.

Totally-not Abu may have stolen some bananas from Totally-not Aladdin, but the two become quick friends and help each other out because, as we all know, Aladdin, I mean Totally-not Aladdin knows what it is like to be hungry.

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“monkey Shiny” is the name of my Bloodhound Gang cover band.

Ganesh appears in an LSD-induced slide across the screen to teach you how to match-3. Every time. Every level. Ganesh does not trust your intellect.

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And by rights, he shouldn’t. I mean, look at the type of game you’re playing.

Legends of India is the casual game equivalent of those sketchy Lord of the Rings DVDs your grandmother bought you from the dollar store. Don’t bother. Stay away. Go read a good translation of One Thousand and One Nights or Hitopadesha instead.

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Totally not a street rat.

Rating: Why?!

*I ain’t even linking to it. Go find it yourself.

 

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